To Twenty

Today I turned twenty years old.

Ten years ago, I was an elementary school student in fourth grade. That was a time when I was extremely insecure, sensitive and disliked everything about myself. I hated that there was no one I could talk to besides my mom, that I can’t handle the stress of all the performances, rehearsals I had to be in and that I was too young to be taken seriously. Things were so bad that I remember there were times I came home crying, asking my parents to have me transferred to a different school.

Almost everything has changed since then. I graduated, went to different schools and eventually moved out of town for college. Elementary school looks like forever ago, but the insecurities have always followed me along. Even to this day, when I can probably start a conversation with someone without any effort, it will take me ages to really trust a person because I’d always have this feeling that people are going to judge me and will never actually care about me.

Growing up, I never knew if I was good enough. I used to live for the moments of compliments, of getting recognition from my peers, my teachers and my family. I am a control freak over a lot of things. I got motivated by comparing myself to others and the constant reminder of how I wasn’t good enough. I punished myself if my rankings fell, and I practically stopped eating if I ever felt fat. These issues were negatively affecting both my physical and mental health, but at that time I just couldn’t stop because I hated to lose control of my life.

When I was fifteen, I got into a very good high school with many smart, competitive kids in town, and was undoubtedly, overwhelmed by the level of peer pressure. Surely competitiveness would do me good in some certain ways, but that’s also when I realized how unhealthy it is to have your happiness decided by how other people see you. I have had the pleasure to meet wonderful people who might or might not be the best at rankings. I realized that just because grades are the most important things in a Chinese high school, it doesn’t mean that we can judge a person by that. But if I continue to do this, I might actually be brainwashed by this idea and there was no going back – that’s why I ended up making many different decisions. I never was a big fan of studying, but I’d always enjoy learning. I ended up not giving up dancing for school, not giving up opportunities in exchange for extra classes, I tried to change my mindset to how I can have the fullest experience instead of how I can have the highest grade.

Today I am twenty years old. I can’t describe how much I want to go back and give my 10-year-old self a hug. It took me ten years to develop confidence, to live with uncertainties in life, to accept and love myself for the way I am. As I start the third decade in life, I have many things to be thankful for. I have my family – despite our never-ending arguing and disagreement – who support and respect my decisions eventually. I have friends who remember my birthdays even though we haven’t seen each other for a very long time. At age fifteen I decided that I wouldn’t be trapped by grades and rankings, and it’s by far the best decision I’ve ever made. Now at twenty, I want to be an adult not being chased by to-do lists and a million responsibilities; I want to be working hard because I want to, not because I wasn’t good enough; and I want to be able to forgive myself when I screw up. Twenty might be too young of an age to say words about adulthood, but I believe that the ultimate self-control of your life is not letting other people judging it.

Anyways, cheers to the new decade of growth.