Gaokao Memories

Today is the first day of the 2020 Chinese National College Entrance Examination. Or if you have been familiar enough with China, you might also know it as what we call it, the Gaokao.

For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, Gaokao is this huge exam that a random Chinese kid like me, would take when we graduate from high school, and in most circumstances, it is the only criterion for our college application. This year, COVID-19 has pushed Gaokao a month later than it is supposed to be, but the tension stays as always.

On the Gaokao days, the test-takers, normally the high school seniors, are rock stars. It is to an extent that sometimes it feels like the whole town is at your service. Your parents will make you the best breakfast and escort you as if you were going to attend the Olympics. If you got stuck in traffic, police will pick you up and make sure you get to exactly where you need to be on time. Your teachers and school leadership will dress up and shake your hands before you walk into that building. Journalists from all local media will gather up to interview the parents, the first one who walked out of the exam and report every little related detail they can find. Showing your Gaokao registration card to restaurants might even get you a generous discount. That’s how crazy it is.

But we are backed up with a pretty good reason. Everyone tries to treat the Gaokao kids a little bit nicer than usual because we all know how difficult it could be. This is the only test that might actually change your life for good. It decides where you live, what you study, and who you might become friends with for the next following years. It is the test for which you will be “banned” from dating people, playing video games, and spending time on your phone. College admissions mostly depend solely on the Gaokao, so most people may have been focused their whole life on studying for it.

And that was not the case for me. Gaokao tortured my senior year in another way because I realized that none of my experiences and abilities matter to it. It does not care how you look like, what you are capable of (other than studying), and even your GPA. This is a one-time thing and if you nailed it, you got the tickets to happily ever after; but when you don’t, you will have to say goodbye to all your dreams and hopes. Or at least that was how I felt about it.

But in fact, what actually happened at my Gaokao was plain and simple. I got there. I talked to my friends. Our teachers tried to cheer us up. I took the test and walked out of my school gate as a student for one last time. End of the story.

Before that day, I was stuck with my 50 fellow classmates in one classroom for almost every single day. We used to joked that the most important test in the Gaokao was actually the running test after it because we would compete to think of an impressive line to tell the journalists out there (one year a guy from our school told them he wished “love could be as simple as the English test” and got kind of famous). We were dying to finish the Gaokao and just be free. But the moment when the Gaokao ended, we all started to miss the time we have fought for it. Spending almost every day with your class was already making you a family, and putting all your effort into exactly one thing might also be a one-in-a-life-time experience.

Gaokao was once our worst nightmares, yet every former test-taker would miss it and talk about it every June (or July for this year). It has become a weird connection between those of us who have taken it because, despite our different life stories, we all share these similar yet precious memories. As much as I used to hate this exam, I never forget the feeling as I walked out of my school gate – that I am capable and ready for all the challenges out there, the feeling that nothing can beat me ever again. The result for the Gaokao and the knowledge I learned to crack it were never the point, the biggest Gaokao takeaways for me were always the people I’ve met and life lessons I’ve learned – to be tough, to not run away from obstacles and to accept the fact that you might screw up from time to time.

So for all the seniors out there, today is all yours and I wish you the best of luck. But just so you know, if you screw up, that’s okay too.

To Twenty

Today I turned twenty years old.

Ten years ago, I was an elementary school student in fourth grade. That was a time when I was extremely insecure, sensitive and disliked everything about myself. I hated that there was no one I could talk to besides my mom, that I can’t handle the stress of all the performances, rehearsals I had to be in and that I was too young to be taken seriously. Things were so bad that I remember there were times I came home crying, asking my parents to have me transferred to a different school.

Almost everything has changed since then. I graduated, went to different schools and eventually moved out of town for college. Elementary school looks like forever ago, but the insecurities have always followed me along. Even to this day, when I can probably start a conversation with someone without any effort, it will take me ages to really trust a person because I’d always have this feeling that people are going to judge me and will never actually care about me.

Growing up, I never knew if I was good enough. I used to live for the moments of compliments, of getting recognition from my peers, my teachers and my family. I am a control freak over a lot of things. I got motivated by comparing myself to others and the constant reminder of how I wasn’t good enough. I punished myself if my rankings fell, and I practically stopped eating if I ever felt fat. These issues were negatively affecting both my physical and mental health, but at that time I just couldn’t stop because I hated to lose control of my life.

When I was fifteen, I got into a very good high school with many smart, competitive kids in town, and was undoubtedly, overwhelmed by the level of peer pressure. Surely competitiveness would do me good in some certain ways, but that’s also when I realized how unhealthy it is to have your happiness decided by how other people see you. I have had the pleasure to meet wonderful people who might or might not be the best at rankings. I realized that just because grades are the most important things in a Chinese high school, it doesn’t mean that we can judge a person by that. But if I continue to do this, I might actually be brainwashed by this idea and there was no going back – that’s why I ended up making many different decisions. I never was a big fan of studying, but I’d always enjoy learning. I ended up not giving up dancing for school, not giving up opportunities in exchange for extra classes, I tried to change my mindset to how I can have the fullest experience instead of how I can have the highest grade.

Today I am twenty years old. I can’t describe how much I want to go back and give my 10-year-old self a hug. It took me ten years to develop confidence, to live with uncertainties in life, to accept and love myself for the way I am. As I start the third decade in life, I have many things to be thankful for. I have my family – despite our never-ending arguing and disagreement – who support and respect my decisions eventually. I have friends who remember my birthdays even though we haven’t seen each other for a very long time. At age fifteen I decided that I wouldn’t be trapped by grades and rankings, and it’s by far the best decision I’ve ever made. Now at twenty, I want to be an adult not being chased by to-do lists and a million responsibilities; I want to be working hard because I want to, not because I wasn’t good enough; and I want to be able to forgive myself when I screw up. Twenty might be too young of an age to say words about adulthood, but I believe that the ultimate self-control of your life is not letting other people judging it.

Anyways, cheers to the new decade of growth.